Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
