This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Randomize
