She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
