My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
