it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
