OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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