dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
