She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
