If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
