i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
