so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
