we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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