turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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