saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
