I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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