My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
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