Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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