god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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