How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
