I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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