saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
