if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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