the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
