i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Someone came in the potted fern
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
