I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Randomize
