So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize
