I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
