Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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