how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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