then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
