can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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