how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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