I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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