I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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