I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Randomize
