I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
