I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Randomize
