I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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