he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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