My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
