She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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