She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
