a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
