We named our party play list daddy issues
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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