I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
