I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
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