Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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