I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.