o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
