you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore