i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
