ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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