I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I love having hate sex.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
