If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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