Tell her she can't have a vagina
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Randomize
