My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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