WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
