I'm going to rape someone's good day.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
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