I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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