so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
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I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
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I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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